Rome - again

Do you remember this place?
We have been there. The first time we have been spending a night together in Rome.
It has been one of our crazy things. I took a plane at the last minute on Sunday morning to spend time with you. And on Monday morning we took a quick tour around the centre of the city.
It was so nice. It was very peculiar to see where you live, to be in your city with you. It was something I have been dreaming for quite a long time.
We stopped at the Intimissimi shop to buy some underwear for you. And there I did joke about your picture on your id.
Do you remember or have you already removed it from your mind?

Every time I come in this wonderful city is a pain. Every step, every corner reminds me that you are around there.
This morning it was like if I could feel your presence. I wanted to call you and tell you where I was. To come to you and say "ok please tell me all of this is just a joke".
But I could not because it is not right.
"You're getting on that plane with Victor where you belong". Do you remember Casablanca?

So I have been there like "a guy standing on a station platform in the rain with a comical look in his face because his insides have been kicked out".
Maybe, and I say maybe, one day I will laugh about all of this mess and I will keep only the sweets things about us. But so far I can't and I am running like an asshole and I am not moving.
Maybe one day I will be glad to go to Rome again and see that wonderful city. It was my favourite one. It used to be the best city in the world and not I hate it.
Everytime a customer ask me to go there is like a nightmare and I look forward to fly back.
Maybe, one day, I will feel a bigger emotion there with someone and finally I clean up my mind. As my mind is now full of images, feelings, emotions and you are there.
I have no clue if I will be able to feel those emotions with anyone. So far I am only keeping anyone at security distance and frankly it sucks.
Maybe one day I will be able to associate Via Frattina, Via del Corso and Porta Pia to a person that will be able to see what I have inside and protect it. I'd like to look at the Train Station without my heart stopping beating for a little while every time.

I can only dream that for now. I am not sure I can find anyone willing to take the desert which is inside me and put a flower there. I am not sure anyone wants to come with me in Rome if I tell her the truth.

I hate myself because I do not associate almost anything to a song or anything like this. But I have a map of my world and for every place I associate a person. And when I used to love that person and it is not the case anymore, I can't stand in that place. It hurts too much.
I would like to change life. Go somewhere far away so no chance of being in Rome again. But this is tough and not even the best solution.
I need to be patient and "keep looking, don't settle".

And I hate myself also because I am writing to someone who will never ever come here to read what I have to say. Even if you know, inside of your heart, that this blog was originally there for you.
Maybe you do not care. Or maybe you just want to face your own secret world and forget what we used to be.

Another shame.

Noodles.
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Sent from a tiny keyboard
Please ignore typos unless they are funny