Good bye Rome

When the plane took off I could see the sea. It was dark green in the middle. Then it was more and more light green to become almost gray / yellow when close to the beach.
It was nice, I did look like a child looking out of the window.
And I think I have been able to see Fregene as well. Do you remember that night? It has been special, right? We have been sitting outside in that restaurant, looking to the planes leaving from the airport at night. I did not tell you at that time but my dream was to take one with you and fly away, to a new world where we could be only the two of us.
I miss that night. And I miss the feeling that sometimes I have been able to fell with you. Like if the rest of the world could not understand what was between us.
But at some point we entered in the clouds and I could not see the sea. Not anymore. Everything white and useless.

You said I did not give the last chance. I gave you tons of chances and you have always refused them.
I am pretty sure you will see him tonight. I am pretty sure you kept making love with him in the past months.
You know how holy is the fact of making love for me. And I could feel you were with him. I could also see it from time to time. And how could you ask me to make love with you in such a scenario.
Did you understand so little of my soul? Why you kept asking to make love without giving the whole of you? You knew it was important to me, you knew it was not just a matter of sex and you kept predending that everything was perfect and cool.
How can you expect myself to make love with you if you are not mine?

And you know what? I am really sorry. I put all of my chips on this story. All that I have got. And I have lost. Not in one shot, I kept playing and slowly I have lost all of my chips.
I might go to Las Vegas and try to be lucky at least there.
Sometimes I ask myself what is logic. What is true. What is real. And I can not clearly see the whole story, everything appear fuzzy.

And now I am kind of cold. And you complained about it. Yes - I have not been clear in the last three weeks before we broke. But you could see it was not the same as before. You could see that I was disappointed, tired and far away with my mind.
And, think about it, you have never shown yourself here for what you are? Are you real? Are you reading this or have you already started deleting me?
Are you brave enough to tell the world who you are? If you are really alone, with nothing to lose, you can do it. But I am not sure this is the case with you.

I have never existed for anyone else outside of your mind. I was a secret, something to hide, something to be taken at small pieces but not too much. Something that you could not show because I was not what your small world expected by you.

I have been brave. I have destroyed two world to be with you.
You kept your world and you have built a parallel world just for me. And, sorry, but I don't give a damn of just a parallel world. I wanted the whole of you. And that night, in Milan, the first night, it has been a piece of magic world.

But once again, someone else was better than me. Even if the sex was great, despite my kindness, despite the time spent listening to what your heart wanted to tell me, despite I was "the only one who could understand who you are'.

Take care, sweet dream of two letters.
I will survive. I have to.

Noodles.
--
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Wasn't Rome supposed to be sunny?

"It's being a bad day, please don't take a picture".

(Looking forward to my return plane...)
--
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A memory from the past - our "first time"

It has been a very long wait.
We have spent lot of time thinking to it, guessing how it could be, dreaming about it.
We both knew it would have been wonderful and we took our time.

And when the time finally arrived, we were almost asleep. After a long, never-ending night talking, kissing, teasing and touching.
Your skin so perfect, white and clean like snow at the north pole.
Your smell so incredibly good, something I will never be able to forget.

The time arrived unexpected, unplanned. The night could go on without it and it would have been wonderful anyway.
But at some point your lips became more adventurous, your tongue decided that I had to be yours and you took me all. Not only my body but a big part of my soul as well.

You have been taking care of me. Totally. And I felt like I could let myself go with you. It has been a matter of just a word, just a glance and all has been clear. In a second we understood the time was arrived and you have felt my desire growing slowly. You liked it and you have kept taking care of me.

And you felt a big energy coming from somewhere deep inside my body. An energy that I could not hold back anymore and you explained to me, with a single look, that it was time to share this energy with you.
So we did. And for a little while the whole world stopped.

I was yours, totally yours. Like a river to the sea.

Do you remember?

I think I did not listen to this song for quite a long time. But tonight, after the discussion we have had today, I was singing this song while driving home. And for the first time after years I decided to listen to it, to keep it all in my mind and I found it very close to what we did.
I am sorry darling. I am really sorry for the whole mess we did. I did my best, please believe me. I did my best to try to forget the lies but so far I have been unable to. And now I can not afford another arrow in my heart and considering the past the risk is too high for my heart. The last time I have tried to let me go, I received a very hurting arrow that almost killed me. It was in a form of a small but very important lie.
I remember perfectly where I was, what I was doing and what I felt the whole night. And in the morning the waiter asked me if I was ok because I could not sleep the whole night. The worst weekend I can remember in the last year.
I am really sorry darling, I hope one day you will understand.




"We never talked about it
But I hear the blame was mine
I’d call you up to say I’m sorry
But I wouldn’t want to waste your time

’cos I love you, but I can’t take any more
There’s a look I can’t describe in your eyes
Yes we could try, like we tried before
When you kept on telling me those lies

Do you remember...?

There seemed no way to make up
’cos it seemed your mind was set
And the way you looked it told me
It’s a look I know I’ll never forget

You could’ve come over to my side
You could’ve let me know
You could’ve tried to see the distance between us
But it seemed too far for you to go.

Do you remember...?

Through all of my life
In spite of all the pain
You know people are funny sometimes
’cos they just can’t wait
To get hurt again

Do you remember...?

There are things we won’t recall
Feelings we’ll never find
It’s taken so long to see it
Cos we never seemed to have the time

There was always something more important to do
More important to say
But I love you wasn’t one of those things
And now it’s too late

Do you remember...?"

Rain, tent and night memories...

When I was 10 I was in love with a sweet girl.
Alessandra was one of those girl that are always smiling, changing suddenly in a terrible mood because you said or did something wrong. But the was "my girl" and she has been for a little while.
We could not show to the rest of the world and another guy was in love with her. But he never succeeded, or at least this is what I have always tought.
We used to spend afternoons playing volleyball. And I remember I was always trying to have the ball to fall in the cellar so we could go down to look for the ball and kiss each other. It was not a real kiss, it was just lips against lips, open eyes, in a funny attitude. But I remember my heart beating like the drum at the end of "In the air tonight". It was so cool, even if I could not understand completely why in the movies the actors were so excited about kisses.

I used to have a small fantasy at that time, when going to sleep. I was dreaming of being with her in a field somewhere in the mountains. And we used to have a tent in that field where we could spend the night.
And the tent was a kind of "secret world".
In the open-eyes dream we could be in the tent together. It was just a matter of fasten the zip and the world outside did not exist. The zip was our door to the rest of the world and we could decide to open or to close it.
I remember myself laying on my bed with my brother talking but I was invisible. I was under the tent and nothing could touch me. And in my fantasy, she was with me, in a perfect world. And the animals, the people, the rain outside... they simply did not exist.

Tonight, we have lot of rain here. From my bed I can hear perfectly the sweet sound of the rain coming down. The rain is beating against the window, tic tic tic tic...
I closed the outside window before, so tomorrow morning I can sleep a few minutes more with no light waking me up. And when I closed I could feel the rain.
And this old childhood fantasy came back, like the smell of coffee in my grand-mother kitchen.
Where is Alessandra now? According to a Facebook friend she is married and she has a lovely baby.

She did what she was meant to do. 

And where am I?

About my first kiss!

I was 14 and she was a sweet Italian lady spending time in the UK. Today I have been thinking and writing about her while replying to a post on another blog (In My London Shoes - I hope Anna does not mind I linked it).

A few months later I have read "Narziss and Goldmund", a book by Herman Hesse. At some point I have reached a paragraph that strongly reminded me the exact words I said before the first kiss. So, tonite, as a sweet gift to her, I am posting here that part of the book I discovered 17 years ago.

He bent over Lise's face and began to kiss her lips in the darkness. Suddenly he saw her eyes and forehead shine with a gentle light. He looked  in surprise, watched  the  glow  grow  brighter, more intense. Then he knew and turned his head: the moon was rising over the edge of  the  long black stretch of forest. He watched the white gentle light miraculously inundate her forehead, her cheeks, slide over her round, limpid throat. Softly, delighted, he said: "How beautiful you are!" 

She smiled as though a present had been made her. He sat up; gently he pulled the gown off her shoulders, helped her out of it, peeled her until her shoulders and breasts shone in the cool light of the moon. Completely enraptured, he followed the delicate shadows with eyes and lips, looking and kissing; she held still as though under a spell, with eyes cast down and a solemn expression as though, even to her, her beauty was being discovered and revealed for the first time.

I hope you like it at least a tenth of how I like it.

Saturday lunch

Small and very old restaurant in the hills. A few tables, the waiter speak almost only dialect and guests are keen to speak to each other.
A young woman was there with her daughter. Very close to each other and the lady had a wonderful attitude.
A couple willing to tell everything about their life together.
Two guys simply having lunch and drinking wonderful wine.

Will need a few hours to recover now! :-)

As you can see, the appetizers were kind of a good start! :-)

--
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Please ignore typos unless they are funny