The London Airport is huge. Lot of people travelling there. Lot of stories arriving and leaving. And I have always had a love and hate relationship with this airport.
Everytime I have been here my heart was not calm. Something was going on.
This time is not different. I could see the rain beating against the lounge window and behind that I could see planes moving, arriving, leaving. Planes full of people. For some unknown and unfathomable reason we were all together in the same place.
Everyone with his own pains, dreams and desires.
The last time I have been there my heart was full of hope for the future. I was dreaming a different life, in a different place, with a specific person.
Now, after six months, my feeling was quite different. It was like when you are turning a point of non-return. I have lost faith in lot of things, I have lost faith in love or at least in the pure love I had in my mind - with a childhood attitude that is not the one a guy should have at my age.
I vividly remember the same lounge when I was describing what I could see.
Today this did not make any sense.
Today I was sitting in an elegant leather chair, drinking a beer with my hands close to my mouth in a way that it looks like I was praying. And people was passing by. I was looking to all of them to try to find what they have in mind, what they were thinking.
A couple of young guys arrived. She was cute. He was elegant and gentle with her. I was looking at them like someone who does not believe anymore in what they are doing. No movement on my face, an icy look to anything around me because I do not care anymore.
Why am I here? I came for business and I have spent, litteraly, the last 36 hours with no sleep and with a single idea in my mind. I look nice, gentle and elegant as usual but you can find only a plain of ice deep inside me.
I am pretty sure this will end up. Sooner or later. Maybe sooner. But it is a weird feeling to see Christmas things around and realizing that you are totally alone in this world.
Alone because I am keep myself away from anything that can lead to any risk. I prefer to avoid any kiss even if I am in the mood. I talk about anything but serious things with any person I get out with. And I end up dreaming in my own secret world because the real world is too risky and dangerous.
I have spent the last night looking outside the hotel window. I could see the lights of the houses reflected in the Thames. And a brillant moon in the sky. I think I have spent more than two hours just looking outside as I could not sleep. And at some point the room was too warm and I had to feel a bit of air in the balcony.
All of this to realize that I did follow my heart and it did not work out. I realized that people always try to do their best to achieve the best for them and / or for the person they do care of. But sometimes this is not enough because people are not mathematical equation and rationality is not something that really matters in love.
No anger, no blame to anyone. Just awareness.
So I fly home with tears in my eyes because I can see the Eiffel Tower from the plane and I remember when I came to London the first time, almost 6 years ago. It was the first business trip. Lot of water under the bridges. Lot of new things arrived. Good ones and bad ones. As someone used to say, if this is the way it went it is because it was the best possible way. I just need to have faith. I have to.
2 comments:
"Just awareness" should be the pivot of this post.
But awareness is like poison, gives a new dimension to whatever we look at.Through awareness things appear inevitable, they appears as if nothing bolder or stronger could impact them, which is not true.
Of course no blame and no anger...(no anger??) but the past is made of emtions and sensations which go far beyond awareness, mere awareness, they are the essence of life and love and romance.
I know precisely what you mean when you said you lost faith in pure love...I know...what seems possible after a great disappointment and after a heart-break is only a excahge of emotions with someone else, we expect someone just to ease off the pain, someone who will never be, who cannot be the centre of our world in the childish way we had imagined our world would have a centre.
It cannot be pure anymore, it cannot be absolute anymore.
But then again, someone says it is more mature...
I don't know, I will wait and see.
Hello Brida,
thanks for your comment.
Yep, "just awareness" is probably a better title for my post. But when I started to write it I was at Heatrow so the title comes from there.
I think I am not in anger with her. Well, maybe sometimes. For sure not when I wrote the post. The fact is that I am not the one who lost. We both lost the battle.
I have lost my faith in love. She has missed the opportunity to make what she claimed was what she wanted. And at the end none of us is better or more happy than before. So it is a lost-lost situation. In such a scenario, I can not be in anger. Just aware and sad.
I see people around. But I do not want them in the centre of my world. I fear them.
On the other side I am not even looking for a too deep exchange of emotions with someone else. What is she misunderstand? I would make her to suffer. Once again? Mmm maybe no thanks.
I just would need some good sex. But when I get the opportunity I lose interest at the beginning because there is no brain there. I am more complicated than a woman...
:-)
Post a Comment