London Airport and a sleepless night

The London Airport is huge. Lot of people travelling there. Lot of stories arriving and leaving. And I have always had a love and hate relationship with this airport.
Everytime I have been here my heart was not calm. Something was going on.

This time is not different. I could see the rain beating against the lounge window and behind that I could see planes moving, arriving, leaving. Planes full of people. For some unknown and unfathomable reason we were all together in the same place.
Everyone with his own pains, dreams and desires.

The last time I have been there my heart was full of hope for the future. I was dreaming a different life, in a different place, with a specific person.
Now, after six months, my feeling was quite different. It was like when you are turning a point of non-return. I have lost faith in lot of things, I have lost faith in love or at least in the pure love I had in my mind - with a childhood attitude that is not the one a guy should have at my age.
I vividly remember the same lounge when I was describing what I could see.
Today this did not make any sense.
Today I was sitting in an elegant leather chair, drinking a beer with my hands close to my mouth in a way that it looks like I was praying. And people was passing by. I was looking to all of them to try to find what they have in mind, what they were thinking.
A couple of young guys arrived. She was cute. He was elegant and gentle with her. I was looking at them like someone who does not believe anymore in what they are doing. No movement on my face, an icy look to anything around me because I do not care anymore.
Why am I here? I came for business and I have spent, litteraly, the last 36 hours with no sleep and with a single idea in my mind. I look nice, gentle and elegant as usual but you can find only a plain of ice deep inside me.

I am pretty sure this will end up. Sooner or later. Maybe sooner. But it is a weird feeling to see Christmas things around and realizing that you are totally alone in this world.
Alone because I am keep myself away from anything that can lead to any risk. I prefer to avoid any kiss even if I am in the mood. I talk about anything but serious things with any person I get out with. And I end up dreaming in my own secret world because the real world is too risky and dangerous.
I have spent the last night looking outside the hotel window. I could see the lights of the houses reflected in the Thames. And a brillant moon in the sky. I think I have spent more than two hours just looking outside as I could not sleep. And at some point the room was too warm and I had to feel a bit of air in the balcony.
All of this to realize that I did follow my heart and it did not work out. I realized that people always try to do their best to achieve the best for them and / or for the person they do care of. But sometimes this is not enough because people are not mathematical equation and rationality is not something that really matters in love.
No anger, no blame to anyone. Just awareness.

So I fly home with tears in my eyes because I can see the Eiffel Tower from the plane and I remember when I came to London the first time, almost 6 years ago. It was the first business trip. Lot of water under the bridges. Lot of new things arrived. Good ones and bad ones. As someone used to say, if this is the way it went it is because it was the best possible way. I just need to have faith. I have to.

The lady with the red dress

Somtimes in life you find yourself in emotional or feeling situations where you can not go down more than where you are. You find yourself in the deep of hell and the only way to get out of it is climbing a very high mountain.

It is not a very attractive place to be. Neither for yourself or the people around you.
Some people tries to climb alone. Some other people are lucky enough or blessed by some other entity to get help.
And at that time the lady with the red dress arrived for me.
An amazing young lady arrived in my life. Short. Fast. Like a flash in the sky.
She arrived with the beauty of being 20 and with the amazing freedom of being 20.
She arrived with a green shirt and two green eyes. Green like a field in April. Full of water. Fresh. Relaxing.
She found me in a deep hole, "broken in 157 small pieces". She started to take all of them and to look at any of them. And, with patient and lovely attitude, she sorted out all of the pieces and put the plate together again.
It is not perfect. You can see the signs in the plate and from time to time one of the pieces fall down.
She has been there for the time strictly required to sort out the 157 pieces. And then, like an angel sent by God, she left when everything started to take off.
 It was agreed. She has a bigger and more important dream to follow.
Before leaving I have been tempted to let the plate fall down once again. It was broken again. Not badly broken but it was a shame anyway.
She put the pieces together once again and at the end litterally slapped my face and said: "it took a big effort to fix it. And to fix it again. I gotta leave now, do not allow anyone to break it again".

When I asked "why me" she simply said "becuase you make the difference". I am not 100% sure what she meant.

I look to the Thames tonight in a crazy and endless night. Full of toughts. And I can only think that I have been blessed to be kissed by such an angel. An angel with green eyes and an amazing way of taking care of me.

Noodles

A fish out of water

I was in a fair for business purposes. There waiting for customers or prospect to visit the boot. And it was ok.

But at some point during the day I started to look around to try to understand where I was. And I was in a kind of crazy world.
Stunning women, very high heels, very short skirt, always smiling. Isn't this just a fake place? Am I meant to be there?
Hard to believe but I am shy in a situation like that. I want to create and hole in the grownd and go below. Or just take the door and walk away. I am surrounded by people I do not know, lot of noise, lot of yadda yadda yadda talking about nothing: "yes, we need to connect and talk about business - sorry only one moment" and they start talking to another person. I do not even remember your name but I have to pretend I do. Where have we met? Oh yes now I remember we have had a drink last time in that hotel.
Follow me I introduce you to this guy you have to meet. And you forget the name after a second.
I feel inadequate. I feel like there is no real mean to be there but I know I am wrong. I know it is my fault beucase this is the way it works.
And in this crazy world of models, noise and fake smiles only two people touched my heart for a little while. But I am not there to be touched. I am there for business. So what? Is business heartless?